BLM March

I had the honor of speaking at a Black Lives Matter march over a week ago. I am an elected councilwoman in my town and this was my largest audience, 1,500 people. This is my speech.

So, why are we marching during a pandemic? Over 100,000 people have died from COVID-19 and yet we have chosen to leave our homes and march….there must be a deeply compelling reason for us to do this. We have not gone to work, our children are engaging in remote learning, graduations have been postponed, and most businesses are closed. Yet, we are out in the streets and we are marching for Black lives. Black lives that make up 13% of our population. 

How did we get here? While we were quarantined in our homes, we heard about the gruesome murders of three unarmed black people, Ahmed Arberry, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd. We have recently heard about the murder of Tony McDade, a  black trans man. While we want justice for these specific people, the black community is mourning, angry, and fearful. The outrage is spreading and we are binding together to fight the systematic racism that has been plaguing this country for 400 years. So, why are we marching?

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• We march because Black women are more likely to die in childbirth than white women.
• We march because Black men receive longer sentences than white men for the same crimes
• We march because job applicants with traditionally Black sounding names are less likely to receive interviews than their white peers. 
• We march because black home buyers are subject to more stringent requirements and discrimination than white people.

• We march because American schools are still segregated leading to deep, generational disparity in the black community.
• We march because Black children are suspended at a higher rate than white children for the same infractions.
• We march because of the racism and bias in medicine that stops black people from receiving high quality care when needed. 
• We march because of the dramatic rise of white supremecist groups and the increase of hate crimes in this country.
• We march because Black people are more likely to be stopped by police than white  people. 
• We march because black babies in America are twice as likely to die before their first birthdays than white babies.
• We march because lynching is still not a federal crime in this country.
• We march because black lives matter. 

Why does this data exist? Please research it yourself. Is it because black people are inferior, criminals, prone to illness, and deserving of the worst? We know that is not true. We understand that hundreds of years of racism that began with slavery, brutality, jim crow laws, mass incarceration, and so much more have brought us to this place. And now, we are here all together with a united understanding that black lives are just as important as other lives.  

Please understand the power that you have to make this better. Please continue to march even when life goes back to normal and this pandemic is over. This is the beginning of a new civil rights movement. By standing here today, it shows that you care and I hope you will pledge to do whatever it takes to eliminate systemic racism in this country from this day forward. Thank you for marching for black lives. 

What race is your child?

Two New Orleans slave children, c. 1863.

I was having a conversation with a white coworker who is married to a black man and I asked her what race she called her children. She stated that she called her children black. I told her that I called my children mixed. She stated that it was important for her children to understand that they were black. I explained to her that calling her child black was a remnant of the one drop rule from slavery. I probably should not have said that. Parents have the right to call their children a race that makes sense in their family. 

Nevertheless, the one drop rule was basically a rule codified into law that stated if one ancestor of yours was black, you are therefore black. This ensured a clear caste system in America. 

My children are of mixed heritage. I am black, my husband is white. I refuse to classify my children based on antiquated racist classifications.  They are literally so mixed, my granfather was Scottish, my gradmother was Trinidadian, my mother was Nigerian, my husband is of Irish descent. That sounds mixed to me.  

What race do you call your children?

One drop rule: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-drop_rule

Strong Black Babies

I had an opportunity to give a speech as a councilwoman to my town during a Black Lives Matter protest. There were 1500 people there...making me love my town so much more. In my speech, I provided stats about institutional racism. I mentioned that black babies are two times more likely to die than white babies even through black people are only 13% of the population in the United States. 

I began to think about my baby, Miles, who died in the NICU. Miles died after one month in the NICU. I remember being told, "don't worry, black babies generally do better in the NICU". It took me 9 years to realize the dangerous bias in that comment. There are now many articles discussing how problematic that belief is. In the world of the NICU, black babies generally do better than white. But I wonder if black babies do better because there are more of them in the NICU. Black mothers in America have a higher risk of going into preterm labor, so of course there are more black babies in the NICU.  In my NICU support group, many of us were black. White boys in the NICU are called wimpy white boys and research is showing that it leads to them getting higher quality care. 

When Miles was in the NICU, I remember being upset with how a nurse handled him. I remember her not being very careful and I saw him wincing. I met with the hospital administration and discussed my concerns and they assured me that the nurse cared about Miles. I am not implying that Miles was not cared for in the NICU because he was, the nurses showed so much love and concern the entire time and cried with Matt and I as we cried over his body after he died. Nevertheless, while I was at the NICU, two babies died, Miles (after a month) and a black girl, who died after seven weeks of life.

Some research for you

How Racism May Cause Black Mothers To Suffer The Death Of Their Infants

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/12/20/570777510/how-racism-may-cause-black-mothers-to-suffer-the-death-of-their-infants

Racism in the NICU is hurting black infants

https://www.babycenter.com/0_racism-in-the-nicu-is-hurting-black-infants_40005972.bc

A much higher standard

So, it’s January 2020 and I’m reading many articles about Meghan Markle and Harry Windsor. It is apparent that she was vilified by the British Press for things Kate Middleton was praised for. Many are calling it racism. As a black woman with many ambitions in life, I do worry that I will be called to a higher standard than my white counterparts. It concerns me now, as a woman in my 40s aiming to continue to forge forward in my career. Can I still be myself, have my own unique sense of style, and my offbeat sense of humor? I hope so...I literally cannot be anything else!

I was so moved a couple of years ago by the royal wedding between a biracial American woman and an English prince. Nevertheless, the crown could not protect her from the prejudice that exists in this world. But, all we can do is keep moving forward, just like she has to! One day, all our efforts will pay off!

He drew a picture of Miles

We finally told Miller our 7 year old boy about Miles. We waited to tell him that there was a beauty baby boy that was born exactly one year before him who fought for his life in the NICU for a month. On Miles 8th birthdate, I bought cupcakes and we sat as a family and told Miller about his brother Miles who he never met. He had no reaction at first. Later though, he asked if Santa could bring him a baby brother. At school a few days later, he cried whe he realiszed a schoolmate’s name was Miles. His teacher comforted him and asked him to draw a picture. Miles is the taller boy.

My Hope Jar

Have you ever wanted something so desperately? I was pregnant with Miller three months after we lost Miles in the NICU. I needed my pregnancy with Miller to be successful. But I had so many fears that I would have another premature birth and I knew that I could not handle another NICU experience.
My fears, my grief, and my trauma were overwhelming me.

My beautiful, friend and doula, Teresa, gave me a meaningful task to help me get through my fearful days. She asked me to write every single fear that I had about my pregnancy on separate pieces of paper. Any time a new fear popped in my head, I had to write it down on a piece of paper. I also had to write down positive things that could happen in my pregnancy. All the fears and hopeful thoughts were in a jar. As time progressed in my pregnancy with Miller, I was able to throw away the pieces of paper that were full of my fears. By the time he was born, only positive thoughts were in the jar.

I was looking through the jar last night and it was so beautiful to see all my dreams in writing.

Racially Ambigious

So, I have racially ambiguous children. That means that people are just not sure what race they are. My son especially, has been called Greek, Puerto Rican, and Middle Eastern. 

This election has been emotionally eye-opening to me. As humans, our gut reaction is to be uncomfortable, or feel threatened around those who are different to us. Some people see this election as freedom to give in to that gut reaction.

What does that mean for my son, who looks like different races depending on the day or his audience? Can I protect him if he is in the wrong place at the wrong time?

We have to remember that elections are not popularity contests, like class president in high school. It is about continuing to uphold civil rights despite race, creed, or religion. We must keep moving forward.

So our daughter is ten years old and it has been a roller coaster. She has always been super-feisty, hilarious, and so much fun!  Now we are dealing with being a mixed race child. From the moment she could talk, she always noticed the difference between me, her dad, and herself. She has always wanted straight hair. What a battle that has been!

We moved to a suburban town in NJ.  Great school system, lovely homes, quiet neighborhood that is 6 miles from Manhattan. Unfortunately, there is a lack of diversity in this town. We moved here when Miya was in second grade. She has had a slew of interesting comments thrown at her! A boy told her she had "clown hair". Two of her current friends told her that they did not like her at first because of her hair but now they do (at least they saw the error of their ways!). A boy told her today that she had terrible hair. Is that children? Are children naturally attracted to people who are like themselves? What does a child of mixed heritage do?

My father was half Scottish and grew up in Trinidad. I never heard him discuss race. He literally dated and sometimes married women of every race!  He seemed very comfortable in his skin...so does my son.

One day, she will feel peace with who she is...despite the fact that society has still not caught up yet. 

I used to stare at this monitor so much when Miles was in the NICU. If a rate changed, I asked questions. I wish I took more pictures of him... I thought I had more time. I remember the noises. I would stare at that screen out of fear that I would miss something. But when he did die, I was not there. It happened in the morning and I had just dropped Miya at school. I missed it anyway.... No matter how much I tried to control everything. His parting time was beyond my grasp.

I started this blog in November of 2010, a few weeks after I lost my son Miles, a preemie, in the NICU. I got pregnant with a few months after I lost Miles. I just could not accept that I had lost him. I needed to have another baby because, the pain of Miles' death was unbearable.

In November of 2011, I gave birth to a full term baby, Miller. The names sound similar, Miles...Miller.  The time between giving birth to Miles at 6 months gestation, the 30 day NICU experience, losing Miles, getting pregnant with Miller, the fear I experienced during the pregnancy, and giving birth to Miller all runs together. People advised me to take my time and not get pregnant so quickly...

 A hundred years ago, a woman might have 10 children and 6 would survive...I had to move on and I had to have another baby. I am still in pain. I thought the sorrow from Miles would be washed away, but is still hurts. I am so glad though that I had Miller.

Today, I went to the Bronx Zoo with Miller's class...I am so glad that I could do that.

This made me so sad...This is reminiscent of stereotypical images of black people at the turn of the 20th century.

I am sad, because I thought this type of imagery was in the past. In Germany, symbols from the Nazi era are illegal. In the United States, freedom of speech protects racist imagery...This imagery should be illegal. We have a lot to learn from how Germany fought anti-semitism after World War II.

I appreciate my first lady who is such an example to me. She is an amazing example to all women around the world despite race, religion, socio-economic status, and age.

I never realized how difficult it is to be more than one race. For people to look at you and be confused about what category to put you in. As humans, for thousands of years, we have been trained to categorize each other by gender, sexual orientation, race, wealth or lack there of, and so much more.

I have two children and they are biracial. My daughter has always been aware of her appearance, the frizziness of her hair, and the difference between my skin color and hers. She hates her hair and she wants straight, long blond hair! It is hard work, trying to help a child develop a positive self image. I hope she can overcome these insecurities sooner rather than in adulthood. What a gift it is, to love who you are...I am still working on it.

Call the Midwife is having an amazing season. I am noticing very honest themes concerning low-income women of that early sixties that are many times painful. One that stands out are the emerging Thalidomide cases. A baby is born disfigured with hardly any limbs and no clear sexual anatomy. The choice that is made to allow the child to die rather than let it live a is very heart wrenching and confusing.  

Another story was about a single woman who gets pregnant and her life it completely destroyed by the lack of public support for her pregnancy. Also, her abortion almost leads to her being thrown in jail.

I am totally loving this season. Call the Midwife has managed to keep the show poignant and powerful despite the entrance or exit of main characters. It is a great historical case study of the low-income women's issues in the fifties and sixties...as the show continues, the producers should continue to focus on the cases and difficult situations that affect women's lives. 

I went to a book signing in my town last week. It was a signing for "The Luckiest Girl Alive" by Jessica Knoll. I at first thought that I would not be able to relate to a young girl who grew up i Pennsylvania. But of course I was so wrong.

The main character goes through some awful experiences. But she describes it in such a flippant, clumsy, and self-loathing way, that you cannot help but laugh, grimace, but not cry.

I love that style of writing. We can write about tough situations but it does not have to be depressing...that takes some skill. I would love to be able to develop the ability to write about tough situations with such lightness.

Anyway, I met Jessica Knoll at a book signing...really lovely, very personable, and well-grounded.  She said she knows she was a good writer, so she decided to focus on that. Makes sense. Figure out what you're good at and then do it well!

The story of Beau Biden's death has deeply troubled me today. Not for political reasons but due to its sadness. Life can be so inconsistent. In one lifetime, a person can experience so much pain and loss...and another person can experience none. The losses I have experienced from young age to adulthood make me bitter.  I have to remind myself of what I have here and now...which is so much. I am lucky despite my personal grief.

I know that we take life for granted in this day and age. It is expected that children outlive their parents. Usually that is the case. We live in a great time. But cancer reminds us that nothing is guaranteed, despite all the advances we make.

National Siblings Day

I never knew this day existed till people started posting pictures of their siblings on Facebook. I therefore posted a picture of  my sister and I standing with our father in Trinidad a few years before he died. After posting the picture, I realized that it was quite unfair to not to mention my other 11 or 12 siblings.

My father was a an incredibly handsome man who had many children with many women from different parts of the world. I have not met all of my siblings, but many of us are connected on Facebook. They all seem like interesting, all attractive, but deeply affected (by this man who left messes all over the world.) I think this would have happened to Don Draper if he were a real person. 

I created a collage of some of the siblings that I do know. I am proud to be related to all of them. And I hope we can meet each other soon.

It's been a long time!

So I renewed my webpage domain name. So I am back. Here are the kids. We left Astoria and live the suburban life in Rutherford, NJ. I must say that the children enjoy it. I actually think they would be happy anywhere! I promise you that I will never pretend that life is perfect! I'll be back soon! So this is what you get when you get a pot and mix Nigerian, Scottish, Trinidadian, and American together! Super cute.

My life as an educator

I have been posting about life issues on this blog. But now, I want to share about my career. I have been a classroom teacher for 9 years. I have had so many rich experiences in the classroom. For the past 3 years, I have taught in the Bronx, in a high needs school. The neighborhood in the Bronx is one of the poorest in the United States. There is a high prostitution rate in the neighborhood. Many early mornings, I have seen prostitutes looking for  clients outside outside our school building.

I have learned so much teaching in their neighborhood. The challenge has made me a stronger and more creative teacher.

It is now time for a new chapter in my life. I am about to finish a program at Hunter College that will allow me to be a principal and superintendent. As much as I love teaching, I am excited about doing something new in education

There will be many changes in education in the upcoming years as attention is turning on teachers and how children learn. It is a big political issue. I sincerely hope the best decisions are made in the best interest of children.

I feed my baby formula

I was bottle feeding my baby in Starbucks and a La Leche League member asked me if I breastfeed. First of all, it is highly personal to talk about my breasts. But sadly I felt the need to defend myself and explain to her why nursing did not work out with Miller.  He was not gaining even at his 3rd week visit on solely breast milk. Yes I paid a Lactation Consultant $250 to come to my house and used a supplemental feeder. Yes, I rented a hospital grade pump for $200. I went to the vitamin shoppe and bought $150 worth of herbs to increase my milk supply.

I tried hard to breastfeed Miller...I had so much milk 6 years ago for Miya. I also pumped loads of milk for Miles in the NICU which he did not get to use. But it did not work with Miller. The bottom line is that I wanted my baby to thrive, once he was on formula, he started gaining weight.

The model, Gisele, said it should a law that women breastfeed for 6 months. She said she does not understand why women would want to put liquid chemical down their babies throats!


When I bottlefeed/formula feed my baby, he looks into my eyes and smiles. The reason for this entry is to help women who feel guilt for not being able to successfully breastfeed. Look into your baby's eyes, push away the guilt and know that you will always do your best for him or her.

Someone Special

It has been a while since I posted last. I have been busy. I had a baby boy in November. He is now 8 weeks old. What a year! I had Miles, lost him a month later in the NICU.  Three months later, I got pregnant with Miller. There are so many simple things that I am loving right now.

1. To be able to see his face all the time (half of Miles' face was covered by a breathing tube and tape)
2. To be able to carry him whenever I want. ( I only carried Miles once in one month because he had surgery and was recovering)
3. To be able to take him on walks around the neighborhood (Miles never left the hospital).

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for this little baby. When I left the funeral home last year, I really felt hopeless and dark about my future. Now things feel different. Someone special was taken from me but I received another special someone in return.