He drew a picture of Miles

We finally told Miller our 7 year old boy about Miles. We waited to tell him that there was a beauty baby boy that was born exactly one year before him who fought for his life in the NICU for a month. On Miles 8th birthdate, I bought cupcakes and we sat as a family and told Miller about his brother Miles who he never met. He had no reaction at first. Later though, he asked if Santa could bring him a baby brother. At school a few days later, he cried whe he realiszed a schoolmate’s name was Miles. His teacher comforted him and asked him to draw a picture. Miles is the taller boy.

My Hope Jar

Have you ever wanted something so desperately? I was pregnant with Miller three months after we lost Miles in the NICU. I needed my pregnancy with Miller to be successful. But I had so many fears that I would have another premature birth and I knew that I could not handle another NICU experience.
My fears, my grief, and my trauma were overwhelming me.

My beautiful, friend and doula, Teresa, gave me a meaningful task to help me get through my fearful days. She asked me to write every single fear that I had about my pregnancy on separate pieces of paper. Any time a new fear popped in my head, I had to write it down on a piece of paper. I also had to write down positive things that could happen in my pregnancy. All the fears and hopeful thoughts were in a jar. As time progressed in my pregnancy with Miller, I was able to throw away the pieces of paper that were full of my fears. By the time he was born, only positive thoughts were in the jar.

I was looking through the jar last night and it was so beautiful to see all my dreams in writing.

Racially Ambigious

So, I have racially ambiguous children. That means that people are just not sure what race they are. My son especially, has been called Greek, Puerto Rican, and Middle Eastern. 

This election has been emotionally eye-opening to me. As humans, our gut reaction is to be uncomfortable, or feel threatened around those who are different to us. Some people see this election as freedom to give in to that gut reaction.

What does that mean for my son, who looks like different races depending on the day or his audience? Can I protect him if he is in the wrong place at the wrong time?

We have to remember that elections are not popularity contests, like class president in high school. It is about continuing to uphold civil rights despite race, creed, or religion. We must keep moving forward.

So our daughter is ten years old and it has been a roller coaster. She has always been super-feisty, hilarious, and so much fun!  Now we are dealing with being a mixed race child. From the moment she could talk, she always noticed the difference between me, her dad, and herself. She has always wanted straight hair. What a battle that has been!

We moved to a suburban town in NJ.  Great school system, lovely homes, quiet neighborhood that is 6 miles from Manhattan. Unfortunately, there is a lack of diversity in this town. We moved here when Miya was in second grade. She has had a slew of interesting comments thrown at her! A boy told her she had "clown hair". Two of her current friends told her that they did not like her at first because of her hair but now they do (at least they saw the error of their ways!). A boy told her today that she had terrible hair. Is that children? Are children naturally attracted to people who are like themselves? What does a child of mixed heritage do?

My father was half Scottish and grew up in Trinidad. I never heard him discuss race. He literally dated and sometimes married women of every race!  He seemed very comfortable in his skin...so does my son.

One day, she will feel peace with who she is...despite the fact that society has still not caught up yet. 

I used to stare at this monitor so much when Miles was in the NICU. If a rate changed, I asked questions. I wish I took more pictures of him... I thought I had more time. I remember the noises. I would stare at that screen out of fear that I would miss something. But when he did die, I was not there. It happened in the morning and I had just dropped Miya at school. I missed it anyway.... No matter how much I tried to control everything. His parting time was beyond my grasp.

I started this blog in November of 2010, a few weeks after I lost my son Miles, a preemie, in the NICU. I got pregnant with a few months after I lost Miles. I just could not accept that I had lost him. I needed to have another baby because, the pain of Miles' death was unbearable.

In November of 2011, I gave birth to a full term baby, Miller. The names sound similar, Miles...Miller.  The time between giving birth to Miles at 6 months gestation, the 30 day NICU experience, losing Miles, getting pregnant with Miller, the fear I experienced during the pregnancy, and giving birth to Miller all runs together. People advised me to take my time and not get pregnant so quickly...

 A hundred years ago, a woman might have 10 children and 6 would survive...I had to move on and I had to have another baby. I am still in pain. I thought the sorrow from Miles would be washed away, but is still hurts. I am so glad though that I had Miller.

Today, I went to the Bronx Zoo with Miller's class...I am so glad that I could do that.

This made me so sad...This is reminiscent of stereotypical images of black people at the turn of the 20th century.

I am sad, because I thought this type of imagery was in the past. In Germany, symbols from the Nazi era are illegal. In the United States, freedom of speech protects racist imagery...This imagery should be illegal. We have a lot to learn from how Germany fought anti-semitism after World War II.

I appreciate my first lady who is such an example to me. She is an amazing example to all women around the world despite race, religion, socio-economic status, and age.